School Attempt

Along with my depression, I also have problems with anxiety. I am on a steady dose of Clonazepam throughout the day and night to help me control the anxiety. I’ve always had an issue with anxiety even as the younger teenager. The biggest problems for me were always getting up in front of the class to do presentations. And unfortunately this anxiety has never gone away.

It’s been just over one year that I have been at a somewhat stable level and level of functioning. I had a decision to make and that decision was to either start working or go back to school, I was tired of just sitting around day after day doing nothing. So I thought the best choice would be to go to school first, graduate and get a diploma and then go into the work force in the field that I had gone to school for. To me that was a logical way to do things, but I think I forgot to take some things into account.

I started school going into the social service worker program, with the hopes of being able to help other people with mental health issues. I was excited to be going back to school, and I thought that everything would be fine. I knew that through accommodations I could have it set up so that I did presentations only in front of the teacher and I did get that set up. However, getting up in front of the class and making a presentation wasn’t the only problem I was facing.

I’ve spent the last seven years secluding myself with very minimal interaction in society. I had very little contact with people and only one or two friends that I ever visited. So one of the things that I did not take into account was the fact of being around so many people in such a small space. I also didn’t take into consideration the pressures of research papers, building the presentations and keeping up with the reading assignments. By the second week of school I found everything to be too overwhelming, the anxiety and panic attacks were increasing and mood was decreasing. I didn’t think I could live up to the expectations of others and do a good job in school. So I made the decision to drop out of school.

What I hope to do now is work with the social service workers who are assigned to me in trying to re-integrate myself into society little bits at a time. My hope is that I won’t feel so overwhelmed and feel so much pressure and hopefully I will be able to start working. I would start out as part-time and slowly work my way up to full-time. I do not know what the future holds for me but what I do know is that something needs to change and most of that change relies on me. I’m a problem solver and I don’t give up so I’ll constantly be working out a solution to these problems in my head. I know that there is a solution out there it’s just a matter of finding it.

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