Along with my depression, I also have problems with anxiety. I am on a steady dose of Clonazepam throughout the day and night to help me control the anxiety. I’ve always had an issue with anxiety even as the younger teenager. The biggest problems for me were always getting up in front of the class to do presentations. And unfortunately this anxiety has never gone away.
It’s been just over one year that I have been at a somewhat stable level and level of functioning. I had a decision to make and that decision was to either start working or go back to school, I was tired of just sitting around day after day doing nothing. So I thought the best choice would be to go to school first, graduate and get a diploma and then go into the work force in the field that I had gone to school for. To me that was a logical way to do things, but I think I forgot to take some things into account.
I started school going into the social service worker program, with the hopes of being able to help other people with mental health issues. I was excited to be going back to school, and I thought that everything would be fine. I knew that through accommodations I could have it set up so that I did presentations only in front of the teacher and I did get that set up. However, getting up in front of the class and making a presentation wasn’t the only problem I was facing.
I’ve spent the last seven years secluding myself with very minimal interaction in society. I had very little contact with people and only one or two friends that I ever visited. So one of the things that I did not take into account was the fact of being around so many people in such a small space. I also didn’t take into consideration the pressures of research papers, building the presentations and keeping up with the reading assignments. By the second week of school I found everything to be too overwhelming, the anxiety and panic attacks were increasing and mood was decreasing. I didn’t think I could live up to the expectations of others and do a good job in school. So I made the decision to drop out of school.
What I hope to do now is work with the social service workers who are assigned to me in trying to re-integrate myself into society little bits at a time. My hope is that I won’t feel so overwhelmed and feel so much pressure and hopefully I will be able to start working. I would start out as part-time and slowly work my way up to full-time. I do not know what the future holds for me but what I do know is that something needs to change and most of that change relies on me. I’m a problem solver and I don’t give up so I’ll constantly be working out a solution to these problems in my head. I know that there is a solution out there it’s just a matter of finding it.
Hello and welcome to Life With Depression, here you will find a wide variety of different topics and posts. I will be talking about both past and recent events, struggles and other information related to my life with depression as well as information related to depression itself. It is my belief that depression is taken too lightly by too many people. Hopefully this will be a good learning experience for everyone. I welcome comments and feedback so please feel free to leave your comments and feedback on any blog posts.
For my first blog entry I would like to give you a little bit of information about myself. My depression started when I was 11 years old, but I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 21 years old. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with spectrum bipolar type 2 with severe depression and chronic suicidal thoughts. When I was 11 years old I knew that something was wrong I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know how to go to my parents and talk to them about it or even what to say. I made three cries for help each of which went unanswered. After my third cry for help I gave up I felt completely hopeless and alone and I didn’t care anymore. I learned very quickly that people don’t like to be around someone who is constantly down and sad.
So I had to learn how to put on a mask so to speak. I started watching people and their body language, trying to understand how a person would look or act when feeling different emotions. It didn’t take long before I was able to put up a fake personality of someone who was happy and had nothing wrong with their life. At that point I began burying the depression and all other emotions that went with it under layers of this personality. This enabled me to get through high school and a few years outside of high school as well.
When I was 21 years old I finally broke. The walls that I had built up around me came crashing down. Although it wasn’t the first time trying to commit suicide it was the first time someone had caught me. I was admitted into the hospital and seen by the hospital psychiatrist, after which I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for further assessment. It took several months before I was able to see a psychiatrist who would follow with me throughout the years. It was with this psychiatrist that I was diagnosed with spectrum bipolar type 2 with severe depression and chronic suicidal thoughts.
Since the admission to the hospital for the first time I’ve been through many battles and I’ve been through the system many times. I have sought help through counseling, psychotherapy, medications and other forms of treatment. It hasn’t been up until recently that we have finally found a medication that brings me to a level of being able to function on a somewhat normal basis.
In this blog I will talk about my past experiences, what I went through, my current experiences and what I am currently going through, as well as information about depression itself. If there is anything specific that you would like to know feel free to leave a comment and I will do my best to answer your question or request.