Well the driving for The Meeting Place is going well and the route is an easy route for picking people up and dropping them off. However, i feel a bit uncomfortable at times because i am finding that with the sedatives i take throughout the day i am gapping out. I ran through a stop sign last night and today i took a left hand turn when i should have stopped to let the car coming to go through. But i know now that i need to make sure that i need to make sure my mind isn’t wondering and that i need to be in the present and paying attention.
I pulled an all nighter with a friend to play an MMORPG called Wizard 101 and it seems to have messed me up with my depression. I got really depressed for about two or three days before things started to go back to normal so i know now not to do that again. I have started the process of working through an employment company to try and find a job that fits me and that i can continue on with. I had a meeting with a representative last week and meet with her again next week. I am really hoping that we can find something that i will like and can enjoy going to work for. If i can’t enjoy the job it makes it that much more difficult to go into work, and as it is now it will be difficult for me to continue going to work, the first few days i might be fine but then i start feeling that i am doing things wrong, asking too many questions and so on, so we’ll see how that goes.
Well, I have been thinking about things I can blog about and even possibly make some kind of money from and I thought about Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game’s or MMORPG’s. I enjoy playing them and I know there are a lot of other people out there who enjoy them as well, however, I also realize that there are a lot of blogs out there already on MMORPG’s but I am going to make it a bit more unique, although I am sure it has been done before, I am going to have a game play video for each MMORPG. I think that will make the blog a little bit more unique.
The hardest part will be getting the motivation not only to find the games but to play them as well and give a demo video. Right now my motivational level for anything is really low so I need to find a way to bump that back up a notch or two. The depression isn’t too bad right now so it would be a good time to do some writing while the depression is low.
I am hoping that this motivation for the new blog idea will stick with me as the depression fluctuates so does the motivation and desire to do things. I think that doing a blog on MMORPG’s would be a good fit at the moment so I am going to try and run with it and see what the outcome is, hopefully it is a good outcome.
There was an opportunity at The Meeting Place as a backup driver for the spring and summer. So i went in to talk to the person in charge and was hired on as a backup driver, which is great. The driving routes are pretty simple and all i am doing is picking people up and dropping them off. Easy enough to do and i get paid $50 a week to do it.
Today i was notified that i am a full time driver for The Meeting Place which is awesome but at the same time i have an appointment with someone from an Employment Support program to look for career work. I hope to do the driving for a few more weeks i don’t want to give it up since i just started it and would feel bad for having to end it so soon and they would have to find another driver. Once the process has started i will let them know so that they have time to find another driver and train the driver on the routes for picking people up and taking them home.
A long time ago, near the beginning of being treated for my depression, we had gone through several medications and combinations. I was still deep into my depression and couldn’t take it, i wasn’t handling it too well and nothing seemed to be working or helping in any way. So, i talked with my psychitrist and in a way made a deal with him that i would continue trying any medication and medication combinations but if we got to a point where nothing was working and we were running out of medications to try he would give me medications that would keep me sedated so that i wouldn’t have to deal with and feel the depression. He agreed, and we have now reached that point.
The mornings are the best time of the day for me now to function as the sedation medication hasn’t had time to kick in but come the afternoon i am usually in bed or sedated enough to do little things on the computer and not have to deal with my depression. The plan, as it is now, is to keep me on the medications i am now on until i turn 30, and then apply again for the Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS). When i applied for the DBS previously i didn’t qualif as they were only looking for people in their 30’s. So hopefully i will be accepted into the program when i turn 30 in another year and a half.
My depression has gotten worse and the medications that were working are no longer working as well as they used to work, so the sedation is a relief from the way i feel. I know it is not the answer but for the time being it is the way i want things to be. With any luck i will qualify and be accepted into the Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) program when i turn 30.
So today i went in to have a meeting with my disability case worker about using their employment services program in order to help me find a job. I am hoping that i can handle working, but i won’t know until i try and hopefully the depression doesn’t come back. I think it will be a little rocky for the first little while but if i stick with it then things will get easier. I am not too sure what to expect from the employment services program but i will soon find out and i kind of look forward to it. I am tired of doing nothing day in and day out.
The work that i will be looking for is an office job, and one that i don’t have much interaction with the general population. I think that would be best suited in keeping the anxiety and depression down. I think the hardest part will be the interviews and dealing with the anxiety that comes with being interviewed. Luckily my dad works in human resources and has to review resumes and does interviews so i can do a lot of mock interviews with him to get comfortable and get an understanding of some of the types of questions that i might be asked.
It will be difficult to re-integrate myself back into the workforce but i think and hope that i will be able to do this without the depression and anxiety causing too much trouble. It’s what i want to be doing, haiving that extra income will make a big difference.
Well Easter is just around the corner which means Easter dinners! Always a good time of the year and the chocolate is good. Fun time of the year as well to watch the young ones do the Easter egg hunt. That time of the year to make rounds to family members, dinners friday, saturday and sunday for some people as they visit the different family members.
Today i am at a place called The Meeting Place. It is a place where people with dissabilities can meet and socialize as well as play some pool or do some arts and crafts among other things like bingo night, and going bowling together. It is a great place to have available to go to during the week. So, The Meeting Place is having an Easter dinner today and i thought i would come in for the dinner just to get out and do something different, plus the food, can’t pass up the free food.
What do you find yourself doing this Easter? What are your plans for Easter?
I saw my psychiatrist and we have decided to make a change in the medications, but only an increase in the amount of the same meds i am on. Currently, for my anxiety and depression, during the day i take 75mg Seroquel 3 xs a day 25mg at bedtime, 1mg Clonazepam 3x’s a day 1mg at bedtime, and Zyprexa 10mg 3x’s a day. Previously i was taking 25mg Seroquel 2 x’s a day 25mg at bedtime, 1mg Clonazepam 2 2’s daily 1mg at bedtime and Zyprexa 10mg 2x’s daily.
This has had some positive and negative effects on me. The positive side is that I am more sedated so I am not feeling the emotional pain side of the depression and the anxiety is almost completely gone all day. The negative side is that I makes me groggy and so I end up taking naps throughout the day, however, they are only short naps. It is helping with my depression however it is just a way of masking it and not really dealing with it, but I have yet to find a way to deal with it without medication. It is definitely nice to be almost completely free of the anxiety as well.
My family doctor and psychiatrist are both waiting for me to be eligible for Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) for my depression when I turn 30. Deep brain stimulation is where they hook up a couple neurotransmitters to your brain and a wire that runs down to a pacemaker like device in your chest and it sends small electrical shocks to the brain throughout the day. At first I was completely against it, I wouldn’t even give a maybe it was a definite no. I slowly came around and now am waiting with the doctors to turn 30 and I hope that the testing is still being done when I turn 30.