Well it has been quite some time since i have written a post on this blog, but i had the urge to write another post mostly because of how i am feeling and i know there are a few people out there that are following this blog so i wanted to post for them as well.
I had been doing fairly well for a while but then i crashed about a month and a half ago. At first i thought it was just another dip into the depression and would snap out of it soon but things just kept getting worse for me. I was able to get a job in the mail room at the O.P.P. Headquarters, a no brainer job. I couldn’t handle it, i got through about an hour and a half of the job and i went into panic mode, my urge for committing suicide sky rocketed and i was sweating and nervous. I had a doctors appointment that i had to go to that interrupted my first day on the job. I talked with my psychiatrist about how i had been feeling and that I was having suicidal urges. My psychiatrist didn’t want me to be working with the way that i had and was feeling so he took me off work. My first job experience in 7 years and it only lasted an hour and a half, i dove deeper into my depression, wondering when this would all end or if i had to end it myself.
I haven’t had a drink in about 3 or 4 years, not because of alcoholism but just because i didn’t have an interest in drinking, i was the same drunk as i was sober so i saw no point. A few weeks ago i decided to have a drink with a friend and found that it calmed me down and made me feel a bit better after about two drinks. From then until about four or five days ago i started drinking every night. One night i drank more than just a couple glasses and if my friend in my condo building hadn’t come up to hang out when he did i would have overdosed, the alcohol was liquid courage to overdose. Moving forward i now know that if the urges get really strong but i can’t do it all i need to do is buy some alcohol and start drinking to get that liquid courage and kill myself. So for anyone out there who is experiencing some of the same issues i urge you not to drink at all, not even a couple of drinks as it can quickly turn into more or you can easily become addicted to alcohol.
I had met someone online and we got along really well online so we met in person and hit things off well. I was happy and excited about possibly getting into a relationship again, but it was not to be. I just couldn’t handle trying to be in a relationship while trying to get a handle on my depression, so that was short lived but we agreed to be friends, which is nice and a new friend is never a bad thing. This person has been through depression herself so she can relate with a lot of the things that i am going through which is also another nice aspect.