I was accepted and admitted into a treatment center called Homewood just over a week ago for treatment for my depression. The first three or four days were quite a challenge being away from my safety zone and in an unfamiliar place. My anxiety was pretty high during those days and i isolated myself for the most part. However, now that i have been there for a little while i am not so anxious about being there, i still have issues with my anxiety but i feel only the physical symptoms of the anxiety not the mental symptoms, which is a mystery to them. The psychiatrist that i have been assigned to seems to be a pretty good Dr. and i am pleased with the two meetings that i have had with him, he seems to know what he is doing.
The first meeting i had with him was on the day i was admitted and he was just getting some background information about my life and my depression. The second meeting was still gathering some information but trying to dig deeper about where my depression was coming from. He said that the situation was a bit unique and that he hadn’t really come across my situation before as most people that are admitted are having ups and downs and emotions are up and down as well. For me i am just numb and flat, I’ve shutdown and he believes that i have created a strong barrier between myself and my emotions that i subconsciously go numb or shutdown automatically and that i use up my energy keeping that barrier alive. I am on a lot of anti-anxiety medications so he wants to reduce the anti-anxiety meds to try and crack the barriers that i have put up, he is hoping that because i don’t have the anti-anxiety medications to calm me down that my emotions will start to come out and i will be forced to deal with them in a safe environment.
I get to go home on the weekends which is nice, i had to stay there for the first weekend, last weekend, and it was terrible. There wasn’t much to do but watch tv, read, and lay in bed. I couldn’t concentrate on the reading for much more than fifteen or twenty minutes, and got bored with watching tv, there wasn’t much on, so i found myself laying in bed for most of the weekend. I’m a smoker and didn’t have permissions to go outside the building but luckily my primary nurse said she didn’t have a problem with me going out for a smoke, thank god.
I am also hoping to do a medication change. One of the medications i am on is Wellbutrin and the side effects i have on it is small seizures, which are now not an issue as they put me on Epival, and sweating profusely, the sweating is really bad and it makes me very self-conscious and makes me not want to go outside for walks in this warm weather as i start to sweat so much. Between the Dr. and the group classes that i attend hopefully something will work and i will leave there after two months a little bit better and with any luck be able to gain back some semblance of a normal life. Time will tell.