One of the most frustrating positions I find myself in right now is low mood but some energy however, no interest in anything. I have to force myself to do things that would normally interest but I can’t do it for more than ten to fifteen minutes. It’s very aggravating, and it’s like this day in and day out. I do try to get out and go for walks to try and get rid of some of that energy but those are few and far between as I just can’t force myself to do it.
I think I have become too isolated and therefore too comfortable in my own home. It is my safety zone and I don’t feel comfortable when i leave it. Every weekend I go to my dad and step-moms house to spend time with my dad helping him with different projects around the house. Although I enjoy spending time with my dad I find I can’t stay more than three or four hours. The anxiety builds and the desire to go home is overwhelming.
Having a social life is also important and I do have a small social life. Outside of my parents I had one friend i would hang out with almost every day for an hour or two, but he has moved away about a two hour drive. I have another set of friends, husband and wife, that I try to hang out with at least once a week for a couple of hours. Lastly there is a place called “The Meeting Place” where people in similar situations can go to meet up and talk, a place to go and hang out. I try to go there everyday for at least an hour. At one point I had stopped going and noticed that my mood started to decrease so I started going again with the hopes that mood would increase again.
All in all it would seem like I have the socialization part down but I don’t really socialize much. I don’t really talk much I usually just listen and give short answers. Another aspect that I find frustrating. When I am around people my mind just goes blank and I can’t think of anything to talk about no matter how hard I try. I don’t know if it is just social anxiety or maybe that is just the way I am but I am coming to terms with it and accepting that that is just the way I am.
I put in an application for a treatment center that offers a treatment course on depression among other mental illnesses. It is suppose to be at the top of the list for treatment centers, people come from far distances to be in the treatment center. I was accepted and am now just waiting to hear back on an admittance date. I have been told it can take anywhere from one to three months. Hopefully not three months, i would like to go while it is still warmer weather.